Then our Father left for the bright lights of New York and we swallowed our pride. He was gone, but he was still ours. He was simply having a Joe Montana moment, when he retired we could embrace him again, he would forever be a Green Bay Packer. Then, the unspeakable happened. Favre signed with the Minnesota Vikings and Green Bay lost its messiah to the dark side. It’s essentially like your grandma telling you she never loved you and that she has always favored the “other” cousins, the ones who would come to Thanksgiving dinner in jeans and wearing Milwaukee Bucks shirts that were found in the clearance bin at Kohl’s. We lost a family member, who continuously brightened our weeks with a victory or made us cry because he has terrible decision making skills (got to strive for that interception record).

Now in my time of reflection, I have wondered if my initial hypothesis of my hero was presumptuous. Is Brett Favre really Jesus or was I simply blinded by the internal light that is Brett Favre’s white smile? Or is Favre the modern day Pontius Pilot to all those who supported the Pack Attack for sixteen years? If Favre is, in fact, the Second Coming of Jesus we must break it down.

The Miracles of Jesus vs. The Two Minute Drills of Favre

Jesus is well known for his miracles, you can do wonders when God is your PR man. This guy walked on water, turned water into wine because they ran out at a wedding, and he even cured the blind. No wonder why so many kids wear those “What Would Jesus Do?” bracelets, Jesus is like Superman if he could grow a beard. Jesus Christ eats kryptonite for breakfast.

Compared to the Son of God, Brett Favre just bombed a ball into a designated area to score points. Sure, he added hope into the lives of those who live in Green Bay (Note to reader: besides the Packers, there is nothing in Green Bay), but Jesus told a man to walk and he did. Favre just told Donald Driver to catch a ball. Although his throw to Antonio Freeman to beat the dreaded Vikings was pretty spectacular…

Jesus: 1 Favre: 0

The Teachings of Jesus vs. Brett Favre Struggling to Get His Point Across to that “Rookie Receiver”

Jesus taught the world how to love our enemies, be good neighbors, and to just chill and not worry about tomorrow. Essentially, a lot of his teachings were the adult version of “Sesame Street”, which some saw as controversial. He just wanted people to know that God loved them, that’s all; he was in it for the long run for his home boys in Jerusalem.

Brett Favre could out throw the messiah, but he did not have the oratory skills to get his point across most of the time. Let’s just say, that when Favre (finally) retires, ESPN would not consider him as a commentator on their Monday Night games. The guy is just too stupid. He has been known for yelling at receivers who cannot retrieve a 100 mile per hour football lodged into their stomach or breaking four of their fingers. Oftentimes, we didn’t know what Favre was flappin’ his gums about most of the time. However, he did teach us that if you throw for 442 touchdowns, you are going to throw 288 interceptions. You can’t have one record without the other.

Jesus: 2 Favre: 0

The Resurrection of Jesus vs. Favre Retiring and Un-Retiring

We all know about how Jesus died for our sins, resurrected from the dead three days later, and so forth we get it. You call that making a scene, son of God? Get your notebook ready.

Brett Favre retired from Green Bay Packers after the 2007 season because he was “tired”. All the man wanted to do was nap, it’s understandable, he’s old. In the summer he wants to come back, but Green Bay has moved on to their up-and-coming quarterback, Aaron Rodgers. Favre was acting like the crazy ex-girlfriend that never goes away, leaving endless voice mails and texting your phone begging to get back together. Green Bay was having none of it, they found someone else. Green Bay then traded Favre to the Jets where he had a decent season. Then he retires, again, this time figuring he isn’t fit enough for the game. This past summer, the Vikings offer him the starting job. He says “no, I’m fine, thanks”. Two weeks later, he wants the job. Who does that? Why can’t he think rationally for more than ten minutes? Because Brett Favre gets what he wants and if anyone gives him lip, you best believe he will roundhouse kick you to the face in his Wrangler jeans. And he’ll look damn good in them for a reasonable price too.

Jesus: 2 Favre: 1

Jesus may take the final tally, but Favre can throw one hell of a spiral and he is the quintessential definition of someone who has redeemed themselves from the terrors of pill-popping and alcoholism. Favre may not be divine, but he has proven that if you play in the NFL for twenty years in a remote area in the north, you can be compared to a religious deity. I guess all it takes to amuse people up there is to toss a ball around once a week. He may have broken our hearts, but he brought a lot of hope to overweight, middle-class workers in Wisconsin and we will always love him for that. But until then, I’m hoping a defensive end breaks his knees. So five years from now, he can salute Lambeau Field when they retire his symbolic number 4 from a wheelchair.

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Now, I’m not saying that what Mr. West did was acceptable or even historic, it just seemed right. Bear with me for a second; just remember what this man has done in the past. He accused former President George W. Bush of hating black people during Hurricane Katrina, he slandered the creators of Twitter because “THEY SHOULD KNOW KANYE WEST DOESN’T TWITTER!”, he wrote a philosophy book called “Thank You and You’re Welcome”, upon countless other things. By being the most ignorant, outspoken person since Rodney Dangerfield in “Caddy Shack”, Kanye West has become the single most important figure ever (Gandhi was a close second though.)

But with his latest stunt at the VMAs, thousands upon thousands of people are turning against Kanye. How can people hate a man who has given us useful insights such as the importance of Kanye West’s talent, Kayne West’s greatness, and most importantly how to avoid women who are only in it for the cash money? We cannot even make judgments about Kanye West because he is at least four to five notches above us in everything he does (according to what Kayne West has told me). So how do we properly judge Kanye? Is Kanye so virtuous that we are blinded by it or is he really just a grumpy bastard? Let’s ask our good friend, Aristotle.

Kanye West and the Function of Humanity

Droppin’ Philosophy 101: Aristotle once said on the topic of fame that, “it seems to be more superficial than what we are looking for, since it rests in the man who gives the honor rather than in him who receives it.” In short, fame does not make one happy, instead it amplifies ego and is only filled with superficialities. Aristotle also claims that a human’s function is to do what truly separates them from any other living thing, which is the ability to reason. Now I am not accusing the Almighty West (or His West-ness or El Westerino) of being unreasonable, but his actions do prove that he is not the most reasonable person ever.

Kanye’s Rap Sheet: The infamous “Twitter Incident”.

Mr. West is actually a very active member in the world of blogging for a celebrity, meaning he writes most (if not all) of his beliefs on his site. How can we tell it is Kanye? He writes most of his posts in all caps because lower case letters are too pedestrian. Kanye’s true human virtues were tested after unleashing a rather harsh blog post against the creators of Twitter. According to West he “DOES NOT TWITTER” and that the creators of Twitter should know that. To merely post his response would make one go insane due to the vast amount of expletives, but also the mere reluctance to realize that an imitation Twitter account does not matter.

Kanye Jerk Factor: 8 out of 10. In the end it’s a Twitter account that a fourteen year old made in New Jersey. It is not the end of the world… yet (until someone makes a fraudulent Myspace Music page, in which we are doomed.)

Kanye West and Developing Ethics

Droppin’ Philosophy 101: The late, great Aristotle believed that all humans are born with the potential to become honorable and wise, ethical beings if they endured two stages. The first being able to develop proper habits during childhood and the second being able to combine ethical virtue with wisdom once it is developed in time. However, without the first you cannot have the second, meaning we are going to have to breakdown two stages of Kanye’s life: his childhood and his adulthood.

Kanye’s (Childhood) Rap Sheet: Personally, I do not know what kind of child His West-ness was, but I do own one of his albums in which he reiterates his childhood. On his 2004 debut “The College Dropout”, on my personal favorite track entitled “Family Business”, a 26 year old Kanye raps about his family’s ventures and how together their memories and traditions bonded them together.

Kanye’s (Childhood) Jerk Factor: 2 out of 10. You have to have a soft spot for anyone who raps about missing their grandma’s cooking on Thanksgiving and Christmas. Would have received a 1 out of 10 if he did not mention “peeing” in the bed as an adolescent. I don’t want to know that.

Kanye’s (Adulthood Ethics) Rap Sheet: Do I really need to explain? The comments against Bush hating black people, his stunt with Taylor Swift at the VMAs, claiming he is “God’s gift to music”, and others that never seem to end. If Kanye truly learned from his childhood experiences along with his plight through life, he would be more reserved when flailing his ego and opinions. He is essentially acting like “that kid” who brags about playing varsity football and wears the letterman jacket when he rides the bench (you know who you are, “that kid”.)

Kanye’s (Adulthood Ethics) Jerk Factor: 10 out of 10. I really don’t think I have to explain.

Kanye West’s Aristotelian Evaulation

Droppin’ Philosophy 101: Aristotle came up with four levels of human ethics and virtues to measure their morals and lessons learned throughout one’s life. From virtuous, which is someone who enjoys doing what is truly right, down to vicious, Aristotle was able to group certain kinds of people based on their behavior and their actions. Is Kanye simply a misunderstood deity who, in the end does the right thing out of love, or is he simply a jackass?

Kanye Jerk Factor: Vicious. It is too hard to give sympathy to a man who has embarrassed the human race out of ignorance and ego stroking. Kanye West essentially “sees little value in virtue and doesn’t attempt it.”

However, if West is vicious and does little to cherish the value of virtue to the extent that he does not even care, he has made the Aristotelian vicious archetype obsolete. Is Kanye that good that he defies one of history’s most cherished philosopher’s teachings? Kayne West: 1, World: 0. How can you be so heartless, Kanye?

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We live in a world today where information is compatible in the palm of our hands, and with this new power we feel a need to let everyone know it. I think technology is a great advancement and resource but my god, some of the things that people do on the Internet irritate the hell out of me. From obsessive-compulsive Facebookers to self-proclaimed philosophers who dominate the “Twittersphere”, some people just have a knack for getting under my skin (and I hope I am not the only one.)

7. The Facebook Status
Now this only bothers me sometimes. I have no problem with people who post statuses like “at Game 7 of the Lakers” or something cool and interesting that’s worthy of conversation. What drives me absolutely insane is when someone on my news feed has a status that says, “Ryan Smith is at school” or “Annoying Idiot is doing push-ups.” The former of these two is just idiotic and useless. Most high school students are at high school during the day, it’s a known factoid about you. That’s like posting “the sky is blue” every time the damn sky is blue, we all know it is thanks for reminding us. Your input is obsolete, we know your at school so stop reminding us when you go to your place of education five times a day for eight hours. We know!

6. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare
I refuse to purchase this game and I never will. Why? Because Call of Duty: Modern Warfare is the most blatant form of propaganda that this generation has witnessed (and yet fails to recognize its effect on society). It takes you through the lives of several soldiers who wage war against (you guessed it), Middle Eastern Arabs! It’s glamorizing the concept to kill people different than you who, consequently, are fighting US forces in Iraq and Afghanistan. I highly doubt that the makers of Call of Duty offered insight to the fact that not all Muslims are terrorists. But hey, we live in the US of A and “if you durn’t like it, git out.”

5. “Let’s Save the World!” Facebook Groups
Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for charity work and trying to solve all the world’s problems but we have to take a reality check here people. If one million people join your group to Save Africa, nothing will happen. All you are doing by joining these hordes of quixotic tree-huggers is taking credit for other peoples’ efforts. Thousands of dedicated citizens contribute to saving Africa or ending slavery in the Third World, but joining a Facebook group only says, “look at me, I’m helping the world by doing nothing because someone else is actually trying when I sit at home and click a button to show that I’m a global citizen!”

4. Twitter Philosophers
I will be the first person to admit I love Twitter. It’s your chance to exchange things you find funny, interesting, worth reading, musings, anything at all that your little heart feels like posting. However, there is one person who Tweets about the essence of dreams and other crap about finding the truth in our own souls. Take it outside, Socrates.  It’s been done before and if your discoveries were original or truly unique you wouldn’t be posting them for free on Twitter where anyone can take them and reap the benefits. Checkmate, Plato, you’re just not that interesting.

3. Chain E-mails
These parasites have haunted the Internet since the dawn of time. For everything good in the world, there has to be something utterly terrible to undo it. What would the Bush Administration do if it had nothing good to screw up from the Clinton years? Case in point, I could care less that if I fail to forward this message to ten people I will die at 11:11 pm by some gypsy-zombie girl. In fact, I have countered e-mails like this by resending them to their creators. They read a little something like this:

Dear Chain E-mailer,
Because you decided to waste my time, I decided to trace your e-mail to your exact location. If you forward me one more damn e-mail about the Y2K bug coming back, I will break your thumbs…I have people.

2. Facebook Applications
Besides the fact that a.) I do not care about “How Iowa I am” and b.) don’t check them, these buggers are extremely frustrating. I will list the three that I have major beef with and what they say about the people who thought I would somehow enjoy them:

“Friends for Sale”

Fun if you approve slavery, “Friends for Sale” essentially is the market of putting a dollar value of the lives of your closet friends (aka it is a hostage situation in a horrendous Harrison Ford flick.) The people in the “Let’s Stop Slave Trafficking Group” will be furious.

Pokemon

It is not 1998 anymore; I don’t like Pokemon or care if you want to trade them with me. If the weight of the world has not crushed your hopes and dreams of “catching all” the fictional dinosaurs, you may need a therapist. PETA will be on your case for promoting the use of capturing dinosaurs and don’t forget about the conservative Christians.

Mafia Wars

Do I need to explain? The Godfather was cool until Puff Daddy mentioned it as his favorite movie. If an endorsement from Diddy doesn’t destroy excellence, I don’t know what does.

1. Pop-Up Ads
The epicenter of all life’s problems on the web lies here. Want Netflix? A new desktop background? Congratulations, you are the 999,999,999th visitor today! If you give us your credit card number we will swamp you with expenses and buy useless crap off eBay! The pop-up ad is essentially your annoying little brother asking you “are we there yet” a thousand times on a very long car ride? NO, sit down and shut up and you will make everyone’s life easier if you do (internet!).

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Millions of people poured into theaters worldwide to witness one of the year’s best motion pictures, Slumdog Millionaire. Grossing over three-hundred million dollars worldwide and taking home a wheelbarrow of awards, the film is critically acclaimed for its unique delivery and authenticity to the struggle to survive in the Indian slums. Despite the vast amount of awards and accolades the film has received, controversies surrounding the child actors have started to surface. Actress Rubina Ali’s father allegedly put the “Oscar child” up for sale for more than $300,000 according to Entertainment Weekly. The father put Rubina up for adoption in order to, “…consider what’s best for me, my family and Rubina’s future.” Thousands of outraged movie goers and celebrities have clocked in their opinions, saying Ali’s father, Rafiq Quereshi “selling” his daughter is a “soulless” and greedy act.

Rafiq Quereshi is not to blame for this issue. The real issue is not the fact he is putting his daughter up for adoption for cash, it’s the fact that he is forced to. Slumdog has made hundreds of millions of dollars worldwide at the box office and with the recent release on DVD, the movie will continue to generate millions more. Quereshi claims that he needs the money to support his family and do what is best for his daughter, stating, “”Why will we sell her? She is going to earn so much more? Does anyone sell a cow that can still be milked?”

From our self-proclaimed politically “correct” point of view, we see Rubina is treated as a material object and it is an utter outrage. How can a man sell his own daughter? We do not understand that this happens every day in India, families give up their kids or sell them to orphanages or to adoptive parents to survive each day. Rubina’s father is giving his family an opportunity to escape the slums that make the American ghettos look like the Ritz, as well as giving his daughter a chance for a better life. Director Danny Boyle claims that he has paid for the children’s education and has installed trust funds for them which they may obtain when they turn eighteen. Besides the fact that these kids got royally screwed out of being paid up front, the money that is invested in their future may be for naught. In these living conditions, life is not secure, money is needed instantly in order to improve their lives and to simply make it through the day, which we take for granted every day.

The real injustice is the fact that a movie grossing $326 million dollars cannot afford to look after the rights of their own actors. The theme of the whole damn movie is money and survival in the slums, and the millions of dollars that this movie grossed cannot even trickle down to the actors who made the movie what it is. Hollywood and American consumers have reaped the benefits of demolishing the Third World for commercial consumption and now we are taking advantage of human rights to make movies to win a crappy award made of cheap metal spray painted gold. You can argue that the children physically made money, but it’s simply not enough. Infotainment sources had a field day when they saw “child star put up for sale”, they blew the story out of proportion to make the father look like a scumbag for putting his daughter up for adoption. As a parent, that is the most realistic decision one can make. But we overlook this, we see him as a monster and a fiend when in reality, the Hollywood producers and directors are the ones to blame. We also failed to recognize that this phenomenon happens on a daily basis, we just pay attention when it’s someone we know, all thanks to the wonderful work of infotainment news outlets which fail to report on real news. This isn’t the first time we’ve seen this people, Angelina Jolie makes her rounds every month in these impoverished nations to make herself look like a humanitarian. And where do you think she got the child from? I hope the “For Sale” sign wasn’t a dead giveaway.

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However, these long eight years have not gone unnoticed (obviously) by the music industry. Just when the art of the protest song was presumed dead, or at least M.I.A, a new generation of musicians channeled their inner Bob Dylan and sung out against the commander in chief. Everyone from mainstream radio pop to underground rap to indie to old ‘60s classic rock have chimed in on W’s policies over the past eight years. Good thing George gave them a lot to talk about.

10.  DJ Shadow and Radiohead -“Would You Buy a War from This Man?”

Add Radiohead’s eerie track from their 2003 release, “Hail to the Thief”, entitled “The Gloaming” with Dubya spitting out phrases like “nuclear holy warriors” and the infamous “weapons of mass destruction” in a speech to springboard the USA into Iraq. “Would You Buy a War from This Man?” could be the theme song to our dystopian world; where we are constantly paranoid about the declining state of life and how one slipup can lead to mass death with a single push of a button.

9. REM – “Living Well is the Best Revenge”

Kicking off 2008’s “Accelerate” with a politically charged, guitar driven anthem was symbolic to the way Michael Stipe has gone about writing music in recent years. Stipe seems to be the square peg in a round hole when juxtaposed with Bush’s policies: he is an anti-war, pro-environment, homosexual songwriter. Talk about being the black sheep in this Bush-topian world we live in. “Living Well is the Best Revenge” directly reflects these frustrations. Stipe howls singing, “you set me up like a lamb to slaughter/the gospel according to who? / I lay right down”. The REM front man refuses to change his way of life, and decided that living well, is in fact, the best revenge against the former President’s demands.

8. Ted Leo and the Pharmacists – “Bomb.Repeat.Bomb”

Ted Leo mixes his own brand of gritty guitars with political satire and sarcasm about the upper class and the deception of political leaders to create one of the finest Bush protest songs. Alluding to old Vietnam theories that “you could mobilize a million troops/but a thousand could probably get the job done”, Ted Leo is able to intertwine the roots of revolution rock to modern times. The War in Iraq is the new Vietnam, and you simply can’t “Bomb.Repeat.Bomb” in order to devastate a population and call it “peace”.

7. Against Me! – “From Her Lips to God’s Ears”

Hands down the most powerful of the Bush protest songs, simply for its brutish force and screams of “Condoleezza”, Against Me! shines light on the hypocrisy of the War in Iraq and the illusion of what freedom truly is. Tom Gabel delivers the song’s (and arguably the album’s) most powerful line, “after all this death and destruction/do your actions really advocate freedom?” Do thousands of American and Iraqi lives justify democracy and does this system truly reflect freedom? Gabel’s rhetorical question may never be answered but it seems that the price of democracy is not worth its value in life.

6. The Decemberists – “16 Military Wives”

Colin Meloy may not be the archetypical spokesperson for the War in Iraq, but with “16 Military Wives” Meloy is able to demonstrate how the media and celebrities take precedent over the war on the television waves. Describing the public as “fourteen cannibal kings” who feast upon celebrities and the pain of the “sixteen military wives”, Meloy is able to reveal America’s necessity for celebrity gossip along with bad news to add reality into their own worlds which may be conquered with boredom and self-loathing.

5. Immortal Technique – “Bin Laden”

One of underground rap’s most prominent lyricists and by far one of the most informed, Immortal Technique raps about the motives of America and how asking questions and demanding truth can be deadly. Immortal Technique preaches of the faux “American Dream” and how beneath its idealistic surface it is filled with greedy politicians (or “professional liars”) and ulterior motives used for financial gain. Being a religious skeptic as well, IT does not believe in the separation of church and state, he believes they are working in unison in order to generate propaganda against the Muslim religion in order to repay for past mistakes. “I am baptized by America/and covered in leeches” exemplifies Immortal’s belief that this “perfect society” is indeed tainted and loaded with corruption.

4. Neil Young – “Let’s Impeach the President”

The song title could not be any more straightforward, it practically spoon feeds you the message Neil Young is trying to portray. Singing in a church-like chorus about Bush shipping all our money to fund a massive war machine, his absence during Katrina, and using religion to his benefit, Young creates a sing-a-long song that actually has depth to it. It is incredibly simple in structure but this simplicity adds to the overall message of the song: by committing injustices against mankind, you do not deserve to be the head of a nation. Amen.

3. The Thermals – “Here’s Your Future”

Who knew the Bible went hand in hand with Dubya’s presidency? Drawing connections to the Great Flood and the crucifixion of Jesus, The Thermals are able to exhibit how our turbulent times are somewhat connected to their religious uncertainty. Katrina is simply our version of the Great Flood and George W. Bush is Jesus-like when answering to a higher authority (God), who he believes gave him advice to invade Iraq.

2. Arcade Fire – “Windowsill”

The rising tensions of our “one click” world, cyber salesman, and the growing need for soldiers in the “holy war” all begin to impede the standard of living. Win Butler mixes string arrangements along with dark ominous tones which create a feeling of isolation while he weeps “I don’t want to live in America no more.” The perfect anthem for paranoid escapists who plan to flee the country to save themselves and their families.

1. Bright Eyes – “When the President Talks to God”

Using his shrill voice, his old acoustic, and a powerful message that perfectly captures President Bush’s dependence religion to make decisions; this is truly the most powerful of the various anti-Bush tunes. Oberst questions if God tells Bush to “rape our women’s right” and to “send poor farm kids off to die” or if the voice is just inside his head. The song is beautifully simple and raw allowing its message to ring clearly and prominently. Symbolically, Conor Oberst is one man standing against an army of thousands, holding only his guitar and his own opinions in line.

Even though poking fun at Bush is like shooting fish in a barrel, hundreds of artists from around the world have pitched in their opinions to bash the former chief. Bob Dylan and Odetta may no longer be the front runners for the political revolution, but they passed the torch to the new generation who are updating the standards of the modern protest song. Dylan would be proud.

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